Can you please give me some advice.įancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
STILL IN LOVE WITH MY FIRST LOVE HOW TO
He shows me signs that he still loves me but I don't know how to address it to him without sounding like I want to get back with him. He has a baby on the way but his girlfriend doesn't do anything for him. We have a 5 yr history but our relationship only lasted 11 months because of his family and my church family not approving. Your problems solvedĬontact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help! You will never forget him but don't let him define you. You need to recognise the mark this relationship left, rather than the person who left it. But either way, first loves are important because they represent the first time you really loved someone outside your family. We tend to look back on our first big loves in one of two ways: romantically ("ahhh") or in despair ("how could I?"). That says something to me about your self-esteem. Yet there is all this focus on a man who probably thinks about you once a year. You wrote so little about your current partner that I can't comment on him, but I wonder how you would feel if he wasn't there? It's so easy to take people who really care about us for granted. I wonder what the "important" thing is that you feel your life lacks? Can you define it? Are you bored? Do you need to do something that scares you, excites you? My one worry for you, however, is what happens in 10 years' time when your children leave home? What will be left to sustain you?Īt first I thought, why now? But then I realised that, given your age and those of your children, you have probably been striding forward, head down, for quite some time and are now able to sit back and look up – and at – your life. We all have things that scratch away at us at times, and they can be a great motivator. This isn't a massive wake-up call to tell you that your life is all wrong. But, as you say, it's driven you on to great things. I think it has left you wanting to prove him wrong and wanting to prove to yourself that he was wrong and you're not quite there yet. That's not a judgment of you, but what I pick up from your letter. Reading between the lines, there is something of the "you weren't good enough" feeling, from him. But because you can't do that, this man still seems a bit magical to you, doesn't he? It's almost as if you lack the confidence, even now, to trust in the choices you made. In a magical world, you could see how your life would have panned out if you had stayed together, so you could validate what has happened since. And if this comment makes you angry, it's because it's true. That is not going to happen here – as I think you recognise – but I also think, if you're honest, a small, deep part of you wishes you could at least have that option. Sometimes people do find their first love and rekindle the relationship. I cut out a lot of detail from your email that might have identified you. If things were normal, I'd just send another message but I still feel too squashed, too rejected, and just not brave enough. I would just love to have him in my life, and see him like I do other friends. I don't want to rekindle a relationship with my ex. But I feel like something important isn't in my life. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. We had a great lunch but he didn't keep in touch, despite a couple of cheery emails from me. He got back to me after several months, saying he was thrilled to hear from me and suggesting we meet up. But I have never felt so much in a relationship since then, and I have never been able to keep my first love out of my mind. I had two significant relationships afterwards, and now I'm married with two children and have a job that I love, and good friends. So I can see that I made the end of the relationship positive. To make up for it, I tried to make my life as interesting as possible, and became unhealthily driven in my career – I have a fantastic job now. It crushed my confidence, I felt absolute despair that I wouldn't find love again afterwards. I worked hard at school for everything, including going to university, but found the careers thing overwhelming, especially finding my own direction.Īfter he ended the relationship, we never kept in touch, and I always felt that he didn't want to know me. My parents were immigrants and just wanted me to get a good education.įinding my feet in life was quite difficult. He was at public school and from a wealthy family. On reflection, there was a class difference. He was, and is, very confident and successful. We had a completely magical year together. Twenty five years ago, in my late teens, I had my first boyfriend.
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